Comparison
We are better, when we do not compare ourselves to anyone else. Cliche anyone? Before you roll your eyes and scroll or click away, just hear me out, I have a point to make on this, erm, point.
So I’ve just realised that the thinking I used to hold on the topic of comparison and self-appreciation (self-love sounded way too corny at this stage of the article) were contradictory and totally did my head in. On one hand, we are told to look for someone to role model, to emulate and strive to be, so that we too, could achieve greatness. Examples of this include, Michelle Obama, Michael Jordan, J.K. Rowling, Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, etc. etc. The list looks slightly different depending who you ask, but you get what I mean. If I compare myself to her, or him, or her, I will be better. I will become better, because they are better and that’s what I strive to be.
On the other annoying hand, I’ve heard time and time again that, "the only competition is yourself”, “strive to be better than you were yesterday” blah blah blah. So what the hell man? What’s the deal? To compare? Or not to compare? THAT is the question. I follow a whole raft of people on Instagram, from old high school friends, to athletic models (you know, for fitspo) to a range of celebrities and inspirational people. What I found myself getting caught up with was, getting all the jelly feels from so and so from high school who’s just run a marathon in New York, or whatshername who has got the perfect house, despite having two (probably angelic) children.
In my pursuit of looking for comparison worthy role models, my brain put everyone into the mix and I found myself comparing myself to someone else’s social media highlights reel. As a result, I found myself feeling completely sub-par. At a lower level. Subordinate. Apprentice. Not worthy of what others have or do or feel. I then felt the overwhelming sense of guilt that I should bloody well be happy with my lot, cos it’s a whole lot better than what others out there have.
I used to play myself down, shrink and make myself smaller, to make others feel better or be better. I’m not sure whether it's an Asian thing, but I was rewarded when I was submissive and was always reprimanded when I spoke up or attempted to stand up for myself. As a consequence, I allowed others to walk all over me and treat me as they desired (which was not very well). I stayed in relationships that were detrimental to my mental health (both friendships and romantic relationships). I just didn’t have the sense to stand up for myself - because I was punished for doing so. I didn’t have the courage to pursue anything that might be thought of as a passion or hobby. It just wasn’t the thing that was talked about or encouraged. As a result, I grew up not knowing or exploring what it is or was that made me tick.
That was all true, until very recently. At an almost glacial pace, I have come to realise that, at the age of 40, I am just as worthy and deserved as anyone. I give myself permission to enjoy the life that I’ve made for myself. To ASK for what I want and need, because I have worked bloody hard up until now. I can buy things I like - not as a band aid, but because I can and because I deserve the nice things. I have levelled up in my life - I just need my head to catch up.
None of this is about being better than anyone else, just looping back to where I started with this piece. This is about me and how I feel about myself, and not anyone else. The more I focus on my own grass, the greener it gets. The more I nourish my heart and my soul, the better I feel about me. That is all. No more, no less. Sounds like simple stuff, but it's pretty game changing for me.
It's taken me a while, but I think I’ve worked it out. We must only compare ourselves to those who inspire us. We must only strive to role model and emulate those who leave a positive impact on who we are, and those who drive us to be better.
I am worthy. I deserve. I give myself permission to enjoy the life that I’ve made for myself.
And. So. Do. You.