Procrastination
I have a confession to make. I am a serial procrastinator. But I’m getting better. By better, I mean, I am admitting the fact that I am a ‘delayer’. A ‘wait until conditions are perfect’, or ‘I’ll do it better, once I’ve done everything else’.
I buy notebooks on almost a weekly, if not daily, basis. I currently have shelves in my study lined with unused, but ready to go, beautifully pristine, notebooks. "What the hell for?” I hear you ask. Great question! I’m waiting for perfection. For the perfect goals to be articulated. For my handwriting to neaten the f**k up, so the books don’t get ruined. For the perfect BUJO freaking layout, so I can use the perfect journal and perfectly manage my life. These notebooks represent the unwritten and unplanned part of my life, the parts I haven’t started yet, because, well, I need things to be just right.
Oh, and on the table next to me, literally RIGHT this moment, are two books by Julie Morgenstern - Organising from the Inside Out and Time Management from the Inside Out. I am constantly looking for ways to organise my life better, so I can DO better and as a result, BE better. Have I read these books? Pfffffff, of course not. Conditions aren’t perfect! I need another notebook so that I can write notes and copy out key quotes and learnings. But I’ve got the books. So surely, that counts as something.
I’m aware of how ridiculous all of this sounds. But it is, 100%, no word of a lie, what I continue to ’struggle’ with (I’m not sure ’struggle’ is the perfect word here, but I’ll settle with it for now). I start things I can’t finish, because I run out of steam or because I realise that, crap, I’m not good enough to do it. I continue to pack more and more DOING into my life, so much so, that I don’t have anytime to just BE and therefore, I don’t have to worry about BEING perfect!
As a result of all of the above, I find myself, living my life in a mad rush, running from one thing to another, but not really going anywhere (anywhere truly meaningful anyway). I spin plates like it's going out of fashion baby. Working full time in a large corporate, managing our small family business, organising the sports and social lives of two growing boys - one of which has ongoing health issues, the other who has decided he is now vegetarian, all while trying to exercise, eat well and focus on my own start up. Did I mention that I also have a floundering social life? Yeah, in the process of making a life, I have forgotten how to LIVE.
It’s pretty sobering when its laid out like this, BUT (you gotta love a BUT), there is a silver lining. I can DO something about this, in order to BE what I need to be. It gives me the shakes thinking about it ("I’m scared" shakes, not, "I drank too much coffee" or "I’ve eaten too much sugar" shakes). I know what I need to do, and putting it down in writing, in plain black and white writing, makes it real. This is not going to be perfect, but it's what I think I need to do, to get over it and just get on with shit.
I need to stop. Stop the madness of the speed in which I participate in my life - I am still just a participant, rather than the author of my life - FOR NOW.
I need to break down the components of my life (I operate in compartments - it works for me). Work/Career, Health, Family, Marriage, Home, you get the picture. What is my ‘participation’ level? How far do I lean in? Is it appropriate? What do I really WANT from this area? How do I want to be? What do I need to do differently? What does good look like? (Note that I didn’t use the “P” word here - win for me!)
I need to examine JOY in my life. I need to bring this sucker back. Where did it go? What do I need to do to get it back? I have forgotten how to have fun and laugh and I need to resuscitate this thing ASAP. (Strangely, I have been struck by the thought right now that it is writing that gives me joy. HA! Another win for me).
Lastly, I need to move forward. But one step at a time. I’m not falling for that little trick again - no m’am, I will not be overwhelmed by my actions. I will bite off little manageable, but meaningful chunks, that move me forward in the direction of what is important to me and gives me joy (as identified in steps 2 and 3 above).
So there you have it, a little download from me about my procrastination and how I’m going to get myself ‘unstuck’. Did any of this resonate with you? If it did, maybe you want to sit with it for a bit and try to figure out what is keeping YOU stuck? Do you have a notebook thing? Or is your thing online shopping, or something a little more resourceful like running or exercising? Whatever your thing is, I'd love to hear what you do to overcome your 'stuck' and get cracking with life!